Testimony by Ex-Pornstar – Wendy
My husband really liked watching porn and would show me what he liked. There was a series on HBO that he liked to watch and I would always think to myself, I could do that…and maybe do it even better. So, I focused on losing the weight from the pregnancy and getting back into shape, better than ever.
Believe it or not, on our anniversary that year (April 2001) we stopped at a strip club in Charlotte and I told him to wait in the car, I was gonna go in and audition. And I did…..and he was fine with that, actually supported it…. Being on stage was nothing new to me, I grew up dancing and performing, so I thought the only difference was that I was taking off my clothes. And I was proud of the fact that I’d had 3 children and my body still looked like I never had 1. (Pride…satan’s other little tool).
So I began dancing and enjoyed it , yea I said it…I actually enjoyed it at that point…..didn’t look back. Began planning in my mind to leave my husband with the money I was making….. Then “photographers” began approaching me in the clubs about modeling for internet sites, so I started researching on my own. I stumbled across a site one day online where models and photographers posted their photos to get work. I had my friend from the club to take some polaroids ( which were horrible! ) of me in lingerie, and bam….that was it ! I began getting so many offers for paid shoots, I had no idea what to do. I had no idea what to charge. So I researched other models, found the going rates and began to respond to offers. I spent the next year traveling at least 2 weeks of every month shooting for every camera owner that called themself a photographer and was willing to pay me $100/hour to shoot nude photos...only up to Playboy style (my limits at that time) I’d bring home anywhere from $2000-$4000 per trip I made and all my expenses were paid for me by whoever I was shooting with.
Then I realized that there was more money for models who shot beyond “Playboy style” and that I could have my own website and make even more money….I taught myself to design sites, promote them, shoot content for other models and on and on….
7 years I spent building myself and other models & sites to a well known level on the internet. I figured I was successful at it once I began to get recognized in public by men who had seen me on this or that website or this or that magazine. Along with that came stalkers and the others that threatened to go to my children’s schools and post nude my pictures all over my town….I dealt with all types and I really began to hate the attention and never wanted to leave the house. So I stayed in most of the time, on the computer. I did live webcam shows weekly for members of my site.
Then I began to get the fan offers….”I would pay $5000 just spend one night with you” and all other variations of that. I talked it over with my husband and he was always agreeable with whatever I wanted to do. Over the years, he cheated on me several times and in retaliation I did the same. He STILL looked at porn, and it wasn’t mine he was looking at! No matter how awesome I thought a set of photos were, how glamourous I was made to look, he always had someone else to show me that he liked. I would think to myself of all the men all over the world that drooled over my images ( though they really made me sick to my stomach) this man had me and didn’t appreciate me. You see, the devil is a liar!!!! I was completely living in my flesh, trying to prove something to my husband, to myself, to whoever and it was never enough….every step was just a stepping stone for satan to lure me to another…. So that seed planted that I should leave my husband began to grow until eventually I did.
November 9, 2005 I packed up and moved to my own apartment. I figured I could make it on my own with the money from my sites and from the club. But it got really rough and those offers from fans to meet me in person began to look even better to me. So I gave in. I started escorting using my “internet fame” to justify very high rates ..2-3 times higher than other girls in my area. On average I made about $1500/day and only worked a couple days a week.
But where did it get me? Was I happy? Did I save $ for something great? No…..because as I said, the devil is a liar and a thief and he comes to steal and rob and destroy!!! He would not stop until I was destroyed…….and at this rate, that wouldn’t be long. Every client I met with gave me a sickening in my stomach and I basically just blacked out during those hours. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that the girls enjoy it, believe me, we don’t…no matter how good we are at acting. I watched the clock and counted the seconds each and every time. Then I got to the point that if a client asked for 2 hours instead of one I would lie and say I couldn’t do it….because I couldn’t stomach to spend that much time with them.
I began only working as much as I had to to pay the bills and I dreaded that. My depression and panic attacks began to worsen and I began to shut down completely….
All the little steps led me to this place where I opened my eyes in January of 2007 and realized, who in the world have I become? How did I get here?
I left my husband, I tore apart my marriage of 13 years and the life my children were accustomed to…and for what? Who am I?
It was at that moment that the still small voice which I once knew very well whispered into my ear and reminded me….. “You are my child, you always have been and I have been here waiting for you to return to me” “I am the Father that loves you unconditionally….I am the man that thinks you are more beautiful each and every day and you are more beautiful each and every day….you are precious in my sight”. It’s like I woke up from a nightmare. Literally.
That very moment I sat down and literally, out loud spoke every horrible thing I’d been holding in, every sin, every stronghold in my life and realized I had screwed it up and never again did I want to be in control of it. I am weak and I will always mess it up…it’s only In Christ that I am made strong. My flesh is selfish, self serving, proud, jealous and easily drawn into sin and I have to come against that daily! I gave my life over to Him entirely in that moment and I will not allow Satan or any person or device he sends out after me again to draw me back into a life filled with my own glorifying just to hide the pain, shame and guilt that I once held in my heart. Through the blood of Jesus, I have been washed clean, all that was old has been taken away and step by step, one by one, He convicts my heart for every thought in my head, every step that I take and every moment that I breathe.
Greater than that, He has filled me with a joy and a peace unlike any other.
I am IN LOVE for the very first time in my life and there is no way to express those feelings with words. He loves me….He protects me…He guides me in the way I should go and He safeguards my each and every step. He has filled my heart with a love and a burden for others like myself. EVERY moment of our lives happens for a reason and I truly believe that God allows us to go through things in our lives so that in the end, we can reach others easier having been there ourself and to glorify Him ! I live today only for that reason.
I want everything I do to Glorify God. No longer do I want the attention, the glory for myself. In fact I run from it! Give it to God! He IS the reason ….all things work for the good of those who love and seek Him. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a fairy tale ending….this is the real world…. life, and I’ve had so many struggles on my way back from the gutter and I still have those days where the devil would like me to give up and quickly fix any problems by booking a shoot or a couple “client appts”, but I KNOW what the end result is when I am the one who is in charge…and I don’t want to go back there.
Financially, giving up my website, modeling and escorting income and having to go back to working in the real world, providing for my 3 children all by myself, has been a major change for me, but as I look over the last year, I can say that somehow each and every month God made a way to meet our needs. He stripped away bit by bit all of the things that that income brought into my life (expensive clothes, jewelry,shoes..you name it…I sold it ALL to pay the bills the first few months!) and brought me into that place where I had no choice but to trust Him to provide for me and my children.
And now, a year later, we’re still here and our every need has been met ! Our desires and our needs are two different things and I know that as The Word tells me, He will restore ALL that the devil stole from me and I WILL get it all back for an even greater glory In His timing !
I am thankful for every minute of my life. I know that God allowed me to fall off the path time and time again to bring me to this point and I have no regrets, no shame. He is The HEALER of my soul and continues to do a work on my heart and in my life. I pray the He uses me and my past to reach others who are where I’ve been, anyone that is hurting and in need of a Savior ! I’m here to tell you that I know Him personally and He is just waiting for you !